Best Short, Funny & Hilarious Jokes
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!
Why did the storm trooper buy an iphone? He couldn’t find the Droid he was looking for.
What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing! They were both stuck up bitches.
The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
Why was Tiger looking in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh!
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft? A flat mine
A bowlegged doe comes walking out of the woods. Says “that’s the last time I do that for ten bucks”
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.
Knock knock…who’s there? I eat mop. I eat mop who? Ooooo gross! (now do you get the earlier one?)
Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine.
Why did the orange stop? Because, it ran outta juice.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
How do you catch a unique rabbit? You ‘neek’ up on it.
There were two peanuts walking down a dark alley, one was assaulted.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun… A roamin’ Catholic.
What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind as he hits the windshield? His butt.
Knock knock- who’s there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the tub I’m dwounding!
What kind of bees make milk instead of honey? Boobies.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? Elephino!
What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!
What did the farmer say when he couldn’t find his tractor? “Where’s my Tractor?!”
Have you heard about the duck that was arrested for stealing? He was selling “quack”.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Interrupting Cow. Interrupting Cow who- MOOOOOOO!
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
I used to date a dyslexic woman. I took her home and she ended up cooking my sock.
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a light bulb?….. To get to the other side!
What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef stroganoff.
What do you have when you have two little green balls in the palm of your hand?? Answer: Kermit’s undivided attention!
What did one snowman say to the other? Nice balls.
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
Why did the policeman smell bad? He was on duty.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? FOR DRIZZLE!
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because it has a silent pee.
What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.
Best Short & Clean Jokes
What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.
I used to be into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality, but I realized I was just beating a dead horse.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape? BREATHE!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Hippa. Hippa who? I’m sorry, I’can’t tell you that.
What do men and tile have in common? If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them the rest of your life!
Confucius says, when naked man walk through doorway sideways, he going to Bangkok.
Who’s there?” … “Control freak. Okay now you say, ‘Control freak who?”
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship’s steering wheel hanging from his crotch. Bartender says, what the hell is that? Pirate says, I dunno, but it’s drivin’ me nuts!
What’s the difference between a straight woman and a bisexual woman? 4 drinks.
I never make mistakes…I thought I did once; but I was wrong.
What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit?…Ba-na-na-naaa!
How do you catch a tame rabbit? The ‘tame’ way.
Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party? He was looking for a tight seal!
Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Why the long face?”
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, get out of here! We don’t serve mushrooms here”. Mushroom says, “why not? I’m a fungi!”
Why did the stop light turn red??? You would too if you had to change in the middle if the street!
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer, the bartender says sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.
What do you do with a dead chemist …. You Barium.
Have you heard about the cannibal that passed his brother in the forest?
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two…. but I don’t know how they got in there.
Why did the blonde have a sore belly button? Because there are blonde men too!
Where does a bee keep his stinger? In his honey!
What does the man in the moon do when his hair gets too long? Eclipse it!
What goes “ha ha thump”? A man laughing his head off.
What did the grape say when he was pinched? Nothing, he gave a little wine.
How do you make a hormone? Don’t pay her!
What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull? – Lipstick!
If you’re American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom? European!
A liberal, a moderate, and a conservative walk into a bar. Bartender says, “Hey Mitt! What’ll ya have?”
What’s brown and sticky? A stick!
Hilarious Kids Jokes
1. Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because the chicken wasn’t born yet.
2. Why can’t Elsa have balloon?
Because she will let it go.
3. How do you make an octopus laugh?
4. How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it.
5. Knock knock.
6. What did the nose say to the finger?
Quit picking on me!
7. What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
A tuba toothpaste.
8. Why did the kid bring a ladder to school?
Because he wanted to go to high school.
9. What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
10. What do elves learn in school?
11. What do you call a dog magician?
12. Where do pencils go for vacation?
13. Why couldn’t the pony sing himself a lullaby?
He was a little hoarse.
14. Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
He had no body to dance with.
15. What gets wetter the more it dries?
16. What do you call two bananas?
And speaking of bananas…
17. Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because it wasn’t peeling well.
19. What do you call a fake noodle?
20. What stays in the corner yet can travel all over the world?
21. How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch.
22. What kind of award did the dentist receive?
A little plaque.
23. What do you call a funny mountain?
24. Why are ghosts bad liars?
Because you can see right through them.
25. Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use a honeycomb.
26. What did the big flower say to the little flower?
27. Why was the picture sent to jail?
It was framed.
28. Where do rabbits go after they get married?
On a bunny-moon!
29. What sound do porcupines make when they hug?
30. Why do ducks make great detectives?
They always quack the case.
31. What did one wall say to the other wall?
I’ll meet you at the corner.
32. What do lawyers wear to court?
33. What kind of hair do oceans have?
34. What’s black & white and read all over?
A newspaper. (Okay, this one might require explanation for digital-aged kids).
35. And, what is black, white and green all over?
A pickle in a tuxedo.
36. What time is it if an elephant sits on the fence?
Time to fix the fence!
37. What part of your body can cause the end of the world?
Your apoco-lips (AJ, age 8!)
38. What do you call an old snowman?
39. Why didn’t the orange win the race?
It ran out of juice.
40. What dinosaur had the best vocabulary?
41. What did one DNA strand say to the other DNA strand?
Do these genes make my butt look big?
42. Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
They have two left feet.
43. What did the wolf say when it stubbed its toe?
Owwwww-ch! (by Henrik, age 5)
44. Kid: What are you doing under there?
Mom: Under where?
Kid: Ha ha! You said underwear!!
45. Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window?
Because he wanted to see time fly.
46. What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
47. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
He wanted cold hard cash!
48. What word is always spelled wrong in the dictionary?
49. How do pickles enjoy a day out?
They relish it.
50. Mom: Does your underwear have holes in it?
Kid: Of course not!
Mom: Then how do you get your legs in them?